The Marcus Today stock market dictionary

Before we start - if you have a Stock Market Truth feel free to add it in the comments below. Be respectful!

Brokerspeak

• I'm a Broker – I didn't cut it as a landscape gardener or Personal Trainer.
• The market always goes up – I am a first year Paraplanner.
• Can I put you on to one of my colleagues – You sound like a right pain in the arse.
• I’ll call you – Don’t call me.
• I’ll call you – This is possibly the last communication we will ever have.
• I’ll call you right back – Sounds like you might deal, I will call you right back.
• Time to take profits – I haven’t dealt yet today.
• Sell half keep half - I have no idea but I could do with an order.
• It’ll be alright in the end – It was a terrible recommendation.
• Our favourite holding period is forever – I refuse to admit I’m wrong.
• If you never sell you never make a loss – I’m an idiot.
• He’s a great analyst – His last recommendation went up.
• It’ll be alright in the long term – It was a terrible recommendation in the short term.
• Average down - It's a disaster.
• Average down – I know absolutely nothing about technical analysis.
• Buy at the bottom and sell at the top – I have no financial training.
• Buy when others are Fearful - I have no financial training.
• Sell when others are Greedy - I have no financial training.
• Invest in businesses not share prices – I have never bought or sold a share in my life.
• The market is a popularity contest in the short term and a weighing machine in the long term – My value add is to quote Buffett.
• You can’t time the market – I can’t time the market.
• We are forecasting a 9% rise in the All Ords index by the end of December – That's what I was told to say if anyone ever asked me.

CFDs

• You can start with only $10,000 – And after you lose that trading CFDs you can put in another $10,000.
• Trade Forex from the comfort of your own mobile phone - You are about to get royally rooted.
• Come to our free seminar – Come and be told nothing whilst you’re sold something.
• Two-Day Live Trading Seminar - We are going to charge you $2,000 to learn how to use our trading platform.

Financial Planning

• Compound that at 12.5% per annum and you double your money every six years – I’m a salesman.
• We recommend a long term buy and hold strategy - We want to take an annual fee and never hear from you ever again.
• What you need is a diversified portfolio – I have absolutely no value to add when it comes to stock selection.
• We take a balanced approach – Your losses will balance out your gains.
• We'll start by doing a Financial Plan - For $15,000, you tell us everything about yourself and we'll put it all in a Powerpoint Presentation and take two hours telling you what you told us.
• We recommend a conservative approach – We are really keen that we don't get sued for recommending anything.
• We will manage your investments for you using ten to twenty managed funds - You know you really could be doing this online if you had half a brain.
• Click to execute Docusign email - You are about to click three times and commit yourself to years of paying 3-5% of your assets to us for getting you an average return.

Recommendations

• Buy- We are hoping they pick us to do their next corporate deal.
• Buy – It’s a large listed stock.
• Hold - For compliance purposes we are paying a third party for white label research that is paranoid about saying anything that might cause anyone to trade.
• Hold - It’s a sell but we’re not about to ruin years of relationship building between the corporate department and the company by saying sell.
• Oversold – They’re a terrible company, we’re their broker, they need cash and we need the share price up for the annual capital raising.
• Overbought – We said sell it and it kept going up. Sorry.
• Speculative Buy - We recently handled a capital raising for this appalling company.
• High risk buy – We are not responsible for your losses when you buy this corporate client on our recommendation.
• We are moving from BUY to HOLD – Sell.
• We are moving from HOLD to UNDERPERFORM – Sell.
• It’s a conviction buy – No-one takes any notice of my buy recommendations.
• It’s a high conviction buy – No-one takes any notice of my conviction buy recommendations.
• It’s a high conviction sell – We lost out to UBS in the beauty parade to handle their recent capital raising.
• Crowded Trade – Something an international arbitrage trader once said which sounded clever so now we use it to make us sound like international arbitrage traders although all we’re doing is small time domestic Australian equities.

Company speak

• We have had an independent valuation done – We have paid someone to tell you our company is worth more than it is using wild assumptions.
• The independent expert says the offer is fair and reasonable – The directors’ options will be worth a fortune if this deal goes through.
• We have extended our bid – We’re clearly not paying enough yet.
• We have done a private placement – We have just given a load of discounted stock to our mates.
• The balance of the proceeds will be used for working capital purposes – Aston Martin have just launched the new DB9.
• The capital raising is for working capital purposes – It’s our annual grab for cash which allows me to bung my non-executive brother-in-law $30,000 per annum and continue paying myself $200,000 per annum and cover the listing fees for another year.
• Our project in Myanmar is progressing towards an interim investment decision - We are a bunch of ex-brokers doing absolutely nothing other than taking a salary from this waste of time listed company that issues shares at a discount through a private placement once a year to pay our salaries and Non-executive Director fees.
• The AGM resolutions were passed - We've issued ourselves another huge lump of options. Thanks for not turning up.
• We are facing challenging conditions (from a big four bank) – We are raking it in, pumping our customers and have just announced another record profit, we just don’t want all those lefties bleating about a big bank tax again.
• Unseasonal weather patterns have impacted first-half profit – we have no excuse.

Client language

• I am a value investor – I never sell.
• I am a trader – I can’t be arsed doing any fundamental analysis.
• I’ve never traded options before, but I need to deal today – I’ve got some inside information.
• Thought I’d ring – You haven’t called me in three years despite me paying you a retainer.
• I’ll pick up the cheque from reception – If any of my trades go wrong I'll disappear.
• Don’t tell anyone – Shout it from the roof tops.
• I do things the Warren Buffet way – I don’t know anything about the stock market.
• What’s hot – I’m a two-bit punter wanting to do $100,000 day trades with only $2,000 in the bank.
• I’m an experienced trader – I’ve been trading online for six months now.
• What are your commission rates – Avoid me at all costs.
• I’m a big trader – I’m trying to get a discounted brokerage rate.
• My Dad’s very wealthy – I am a massive credit risk.
• I’m looking for a broker – I’m a serial settlement risk, just ask my last three brokers.
• My email address is XYZ@hotmail.com – I like anonymity. Don’t let me deal without money in the bank.

Analysts

• Nevertheless, although, however, maybe, perhaps, on the other hand, for the most part, generally speaking, more often than not, unless of course – I’m an economist.
• Yes I’d love to be in the Herald Sun stock picking competition – I’m about to be publicly humiliated by a monkey, a dartboard, an astrologer, a masseur, a complete amateur and a member of the Oarsome Foursome.

Marcus Padley and Henry Jennings are the authors of the Marcus Today Stock Market Newsletter established in 1998. Our Motto is to "Inform, Explain, Educate and Entertain" - this is an article from our EDUCATION SECTION published regularly in the newsletter. You can get a Free Trial of Marcus Today HERE.